"But God..."

Today has been a great day.  And honestly, it is such a welcome change.  I still struggled during the "off" times (when the meds weren't working) with painful dystonia, tremor, slowness and stiffness, walking like...well, if you've ever seen the "Carol Burnett Show", Tim Conway had an old doctor character that hilariously "shuffled" across the room, pretty much blind and deaf, too old to do anything but make mistakes that would crack up Harvey Korman and make him laugh, laugh, laugh.  That shuffle is pretty much the PD walk, untreated.  With meds, and in my case, DBS (at least on one side of the brain), when I'm "on" (the meds are working at their best), I can walk normally, run, even play soccer with Pearl (wonderful mutt who loves to play fetch with a soccer ball, and she is fast!).  There are a lot of ups and downs everyday with PD.  You can look pretty normal (although it is never pre-PD normal) at one time, and a few hours later, you can have people asking you, with genuine concern, if you're okay.

Today has been an up and down day like all the rest.  Even now, late at night, my last dose of meds is rapidly wearing off, and just walking from room to room is painful.  My back, which was absolutely fine an hour ago, is now killing me when I stand too long.  Dystonia is painful.  I'm going to need an extra 1/2 a pill or 2 to get to sleep tonight.  (It's okay - my doc said I could do that. :))  Dystonia affects my feet and toes, legs, back, arms, neck...pretty much everything.  Sleeping can be quite a struggle.  Shoulders and hips hurt on both sides, sleeping on my stomach hurts my back too much, and sleeping on my back when I'm dystonic - the back of my neck feels like a 2x4 and I cannot relax, cannot get comfortable.  Add tremor to dystonia and you've got even more discomfort.  Dystonia is involuntary contraction of muscles.  The muscles contract, and contract, and contract - and don't let go.  Tremor is an involuntary shaking movement that involves muscle contraction and relaxation.  You wouldn't think the two could go together, but my left leg does them both all the time - I wouldn't recommend it. 

Honestly, I'm not trying to complain.  This is just how it is.

But today has been better, not necessarily because things have been better physically (although they are better than last week when I had a hard time with nausea from the meds, got behind on meds, therefore more PD symptoms...yada, yada, that's another story), but because I've had a lightness in my heart - I've felt full of joy and hope.  I've smiled a lot, I've enjoyed my kids so much.  I had a great lunch with hubby and one of our daughters.  I've accomplished quite a bit, and didn't get discouraged and depressed and anxious when the sun went down like so often happens.  PD is not just a movement disorder. 

It affects everything.

But God...

I love those two words put together.  I've started marking them very noticably whenever I see them in my Bible.  And they're there quite a bit.  For example:

When Joseph's brothers were fearful that he would exact vengeance for their hateful actions so many years earlier, Joseph said to them:

"As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive." (Genesis 50:20)

When David had to run for his life from King Saul:

"...And Saul sought him every day, but God did not deliver him into his hand." (1 Samuel 23:14)

From the Psalms:

"My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26)

From Peter's sermon at Pentecost (it's a bit long, but so good!):

"Men of Israel, listen to these words: Jesus the Nazarene, a man attested to you by God with miracles and wonders and signs which God performed through Him in your midst, just as you yourselves know - this Man, delivered over by the predetermined plan and foreknowledge of God, you nailed to a cross by the hands of godless men and put Him to death.  But God raised Him up again, putting an end to the agony of death, since it was impossible for Him to be held in its power." (Acts 2:22-24)

And just a few more gems:

"For while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.  For one will hardly die for a righteous man; though perhaps for the good man someone would dare even to die.  But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:6-8)

"And you were dead in your trespasses and sins, in which you formerly walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, of the spirit that is now working in the sons of disobedience.  Among them we too all formerly lived in the lusts of our flesh, indulging the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, even as the rest.  But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the ages to come He might show the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus." (Ephesians 2:1-7)

Okay, that last one was really long - but I couldn't leave it out!  There are more - I had to pick and choose which ones to use.  Do you see how powerful those two "small" (as in only a few letters) words are? 

You see, God can do whatever He wants.  Nothing is too hard for Him, and no one can stand in His way.  Psalm 135:6 tells us "Whatever the Lord pleases, He does, In heaven and in earth, in the seas and in all deeps."  No circumstance of life can defeat Him, or frustrate His plans, or threaten Him.  He has all the power.  And praise God, what He wants to do is help us!  He's already done so much for us - why would He abandon us now?  Like Paul said in Romans 8:32, "He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?"

Every day is a struggle - more of a struggle than I ever knew was coming.  But I'm learning, the harder the struggle, the more God will grow your faith, and when you're walking by faith, and relying on His strength, life gets more and more abundant. 

So what made today so much better?  I held on to these verses, and walked by faith:

"Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears our burden, The God who is our salvation. Selah." (Psalm 68:19)

"...casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)

"In the morning, O Lord, You will hear my voice; In the morning I will order my prayer to You and eagerly watch." (Psalm 5:3)

In the morning, give it all to Him.  Every day, give it all to Him.  He daily bears our burdens.  He'll take all the anxieties from us, because He cares about us!  Give it all to Him - and then eagerly watch for what He will do!  You never know what a day might bring!  Don't put God in a box!  Don't underestimate what He can do!  Give all your cares and worries to Him, trust in Him, make Him your refuge...and then eagerly watch, wait, hope...for Him.  He will not disappoint!

Diving In...

I know this is something my Heavenly Father wants me to do. I know it. Why is it so hard to do? Time - for sure. I'm so behind on everything in my life - how in the world am I going to fit this in, too? And then, there's my perfectionist tendencies - once I get the house cleaned up, and my life in order...I'll sit down at my computer with a nice, cold soda, surrounded by cleanliness and order, and write the wittiest, most inspiring, grammatically correct blogs...

Hah! Dream on!

No, if I'm ever going to actually do this consistently, I'm just going to have to do it...in the midst of a mess, off the top of my head, and as openly and honestly as possible.

Why? Because people with PD need to share the journey...because people without PD need to know a little bit of what it's like...but most of all, because in the midst of this mess of a disease, I'm learning what faith really is, and I want to share the hope that I have in Jesus, and what He is teaching me through the Bible, God's holy word.

Until next time, hopefully tomorrow,

Janet

Christmas, 2011...For You

Christmas..."it's the most wonderful time of the year"! Right? That's what the song says. It's a time of celebration, of giving, of family, of traditions, of caroling... Yes, it truly is all of that - but what about those who are facing extremely difficult circumstances, for whom Christmas just seems to magnify the pain?

For instance, those who are grieving the death of a member of their family. I can't help but think of the Sproul family, who just days ago, suffered the loss of their mom/wife, to cancer. Or my friend Katie's family, who face their first Christmas without her. (I need to tell Katie's story sometime soon - I didn't know her for very long, but she made such an impact on my life. She's an incredible young woman...and I can't wait to see her again!)

For those who feel the absence of someone dearly loved, like a big, gaping hole in their heart...Christmas could become more of an ordeal, than a celebration.

There are many other things that can get in the way of the ever-elusive "perfect Christmas"...worry and stress over money problems, strained relationships, and of course, dealing with diseases - like PD, Alzheimer's, ALS, cancer, depression, anxiety, and so many more...

But when you look at the events of the first Christmas - the reason we celebrate today - the circumstances surrounding what happened were in no way "perfect". Mary, who was engaged to Joseph, was pregnant by the Holy Spirit. Mary knew this, and Joseph knew it (after an angel told him in no uncertain terms in a dream), and maybe just a few others (like Elizabeth), but to most people, Mary was a teenage, unwed mother.

The birth itself was hardly "ideal". She and Joseph were far away from home and family, there was no hospital, no doctor or midwife or even her mom, there was not an inn or a home to stay in. These two young people, who had not even consummated their marriage yet, went through labor and delivery all on their own...in a stable.

Oh, but the birth was very special - so very special! Because the Child was no ordinary human being. The Child was God, the Son - becoming flesh and blood, like us - to save us. In that dark night, as Mary endured the labor pains, and pushed with all her might, pushed through the pain, to give birth to this very special baby...everything changed.

Most of the world didn't have a clue of what a momentous event had just happened. Even those in Bethlehem just slept right through it. All except for a group of shepherds - God chose to share the good news with them - via His messengers, angels.

And the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of a great joy which shall be for all the people; for today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord."

Those two little words, "for you" - they've had such an impact on me this year as I've read the Christmas story. I'm not sure I can really explain it...but when I think about what those words mean...there has been born for me a Savior...I get this warm, almost burning, awesome feeling deep in the center of my heart and soul - and it fills me with joy.

Christmas isn't about a "perfect" celebration here on earth - that's just not possible. Christmas is about a Savior who was born...for you...for me...for each and every one of us.

For the one who is grieving the death of someone dearly loved...a Savior has been born for you. He has come to conquer death and give us eternal life together with Him in God's kingdom.

For the one who is worried and stressed over money, or mistakes made...a Savior has been born for you. He has come to show us the Father's love, how He will take care of our every need, even our greatest need - forgiveness of our sins -and give us new life in His kingdom, beginning right now, here on earth.

For the one who has been hurt by others, or abused by someone in authority over them, or perhaps your heart is breaking over a child who has rejected you and is on a path of self-destruction...a Savior has been born for you. He has come to make you a part of His family, a child of God, adopted into God's kingdom, forever. He has come to forgive you of all your sin, and you in turn, can forgive others of their sins toward you. He has come to deliver you from anger and bitterness.

For the one who daily battles the degeneration of their body, mind, and/or emotions...a Savior has been born for you. He has come to save the eternal part of us - what is temporary will pass away, but He promises to hold onto that which is eternal, in fact, renew it every day, and one day, clothe that eternal "inner man" with a new body - that is imperishable.

Whatever the darkness is in your life, the good news of Christmas is that a Savior has been born...for you.

It's a New Day

This morning is tough - had a pretty nasty fall yesterday, and there's an extra stiffness and soreness on top of the usual. I really don't want to move. Even more frustrating is the fog in my head - thinking clearly takes extra effort - and it's very annoying. It's so easy to get discouraged as I slowly and painfully start this day.

I have so much to do. One child is sick (and he has asthma - always an extra concern when he gets sick); one child just got braces, and she is hurting and needs my help; I need to do school with the younger three, and be here for the older two who are working hard at their jobs plus going to college - just want to make sure they're doing okay - and be available for whatever help and support they need. The list of things I want to do today to take care of my family and our home goes on and on... And here I sit. Stuck inside a body that just is not cooperating.

Thankfully, the dogs could care less how I feel - they need to go outside for their morning "constitutional". Once I get them and myself ready, we head out into the cold brisk air, and the sunshine, and the sound of birds singing...and I finally remember to "lift up my eyes"...

"I will lift up my eyes to the mountains;
From whence shall my help come?
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth."
Psalm 121:1-2

And as those verses come to mind, they are followed by these words of Jesus that have really caught my attention the last few days...

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My load is light."
Matthew 11:28-30

And suddenly, I smile. The burden is lifted, I am not alone, and it's going to be okay.

It's a new day.

Thank You, Lord.


"God is our refuge and strength; A very present help in trouble." Psalm 46:1

What do you do with a disease that won't go away?

What do you do with a disease that just won't go away?

I had a bad night last night, after an ever-increasing bad day - and I must admit, I feel better now, just being up and about. It's a new day. But the disease, with its ever-changing and increasing symptoms, hasn't gone anywhere. You just can't get away from it. It's always there - there's no break. There are ups and downs, that's for sure - and thank goodness for those "ups" - when you almost feel normal! But trying to stay "positive" or "keep your chin up" or "hang in there" - it just doesn't cut it. The reality is - despite all the medications, and procedures, and therapies, and surgeries that are available to help with the symptoms of Parkinson's (and I am thankful for every single one of them!) - the only thing that can be promised about the outlook for this disease...is that it will get worse.

So, what do you do?

You turn to the One who promises to never, ever leave you. You trust in the One who is the same - yesterday, today, and forever. You open His Word, you read His "Book of promises", and you hold them fast - because He who promised is faithful.

"Do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,
Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they will not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched,
Nor will the flame burn you."
Isaiah 43:2

"Nevertheless I am continually with Thee;
Thou hast taken hold of my right hand.
With Thy counsel Thou wilt guide me,
And afterward receive me to glory."
Psalm 73:23-24

"The Lord is my strength and my shield;
My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped;
Therefore my heart exults,
And with my song I shall thank Him."
Psalm 28:7

These words are truth - they satisfy my heart and soul like nothing else can. And nothing - no disease or sickness or injury or any circumstance of life - can negate them.

There's a lot being said these days about the nun who says she has been healed of her Parkinson's disease by the late Pope John Paul II. And as far as I understand it, that is considered a miracle, qualifying him for something called "beautification", and is the first of two miracles needed to make him a saint.

Many, many people rejoice over this, and will even travel to Rome for the ceremonies and celebrations. Needless to say, it will be a big deal. But there are also many people who are very angry about this - and really, looking at it through their eyes, I see their point. I've read several comments/articles from folks who have PD, but do not have faith in God. Their point is, to paraphrase - "...there is no "miracle", because there is no god - the nun probably didn't have PD at all, just something similar (there is no definitive test for PD). And, for whatever reason that this nun is healthy again - well, that's great for her - but what about all the others that still have/do have PD? Not only do we want to have nothing to do with religion, that very religion (in this case, the Catholic church) is standing in the way of our best chance for a cure - stem cell research!" (It may be phrased that way, but from what I've read, the Catholic church encourages adult stem cell research, and opposes embryonic stem cell research because the embryo - human life - is destroyed in the process.)

What do you do with a disease that just won't go away? Some look for miracles, and a miracle-worker; some look to science and research - but they're both looking for the same thing - someone to make the disease go away. From what I've read in His Word, I would humbly submit...they're both missing the point.

God, in His holiness, in all of His glory, is an awesome, powerful God. Of course, He is able to heal. But He does not promise healing - not in this world. He does promise, however, to be with us - every step of the way. And healing will come - for some, it may come on earth - but for those who are His children, in His heavenly kingdom, the promise is that we will be made new. The old things will pass away. The disease will be gone.

Many people will scoff at this - "It's just all a bunch of baloney. Only uneducated, ignorant fools believe such stuff - you can only believe what science proves." Well, I can't prove that God exists. I can't prove that He created the world. I can't prove that Jesus Christ, God's Son, came to this world, lived a sinless life, died on the cross as payment for the sins of the world, and rose again, triumphant over death. I can't prove the existence of the Holy Spirit, who God's Word says dwells in every child of His.

But I believe it.

There are lots of people smarter than me, but I'm not uneducated. I may be ignorant about some things, but I'm not "ignorant" in a general way. I study His Word, and the more I study - the more I believe it - all of it. In spite of everything that's going on with PD, and all the other trials and tribulations of living in this world... I have a joy and a peace in my heart that I know is not from me. It is His joy and His peace that He promised to those who believe in Him - it is His Spirit that is the source. It is like living water flooding my soul - and Jesus is that living water. It is an eternal, never-ending supply.

Praise be to His name!

So what do you do with a disease that just won't go away?

You take His hand, and take the next step - knowing that He will be there for every one, and that He will lead us all the way...home.


"Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to make you stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy, to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen."
Jude 24-25

The Greatest Miracle

What if Jesus healed me? How awesome would that be? I can't help but indulge the thought for a minute...sleeping without pain, moving freely (without pain), no more shaking, no more weakness, no more stiffness...at full strength. And there's more...no more depression or anxiety, peace - physical peace - in my heart. No more falling asleep in my chair, actually staying awake through a movie or tv show, thinking clearly - all the time. No more pills. No more surgery. No more degeneration, no more deterioration...but, wait a minute - is that true?

If Jesus healed me of Parkinson's - that would undoubtedly be wonderful. But, eventually, I would get older, and weaker, and get sick with something else...and die.

When Jesus was on this earth, He healed many, many people - and every single one was an awesome miracle: the leper whose skin became perfectly whole with just a touch, the paralytic whose body came back to life in an instant, the woman who had been sick for twelve years who was immediately and fully healed the moment she touched His garment, the man who had been blind from birth who could see for the first time in his life, and Lazarus - who Jesus did not just heal, but raised from the dead. Awesome, incredible miracles. But all of those people, including Lazarus, eventually died (in Lazarus' case - died again). Jesus had compassion on them, and healed them of their current, physical need - but that wasn't His greatest miracle.

His greatest miracle was when He Himself rose from the grave - because when He did that, He conquered death, once for all. And because He lives - we can live, too - forever. ("because I live, you shall live also." John 14:19b)

Parkinson's is not my main problem - it is just a symptom of living in a fallen world, where sin and death are the reality. My problem is my sin nature, and that I am a sinner - and the wages of sin is death (eternal separation from a holy God).

Jesus is able to heal me of the Parkinson's - but that is totally up to Him. I don't know if He will or not - He knows what is best. But as much of a miracle as that would be - the greater miracle, the greatest miracle, is that He has solved my greatest problem. He died on the cross, bore the wrath of God, and paid the price, the wages, for my sin. And I don't have to wonder about that one - it is already done. In fact, He said Himself, "It is finished."

Having Parkinson's, or any other disease, isn't the end of the world. The fact is, we're all human, we're all mortal, and everyone must face the reality of death. I don't pray for the miracle of healing, because I've set my sights higher - "keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth." (Colossians 3:1-2) I already have the miracle of salvation, the miracle of eternal life, the miracle of being made holy - all through Jesus Christ. No, I don't pray for the miracle of healing - I pray that my life will glorify Him - because the greatest miracle...is already mine.


"Behold, I tell you a mystery; we shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet; for the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed. For this perishable must put on the imperishable, and this mortal must put on immortality. But when this perishable will have put on the imperishable, and this mortal will have put on immortality, then will come about the saying that is written, 'Death is swallowed up in victoy. O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?' The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law; but thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."

1 Corinthians 15:51-57

"Sunshine After Rain"

One of the sweetest lessons I have learned through this experience with PD, is that God uses our afflictions in a great and powerful way, if we will surrender to Him. He will use us as a testimony to others, but He will also use the affliction to prune and purge our own hearts - to break up the hard soil, and make it soft, fertile, and ready for the planting of seeds that will spring up into new growth. This passage from 2 Samuel 23:1-4 was the inspiration for this song.

Now these are the last words of David.

David the son of Jesse declares,

And the man who was raised on high declares,

The anointed of the God of Jacob,

And the sweet psalmist of Israel,

"The Spirit ofthe Lord spoke by me,

And His word was on my tongue.

The God of Israel said,

The Rock of Israel spoke to me,

'He who rules over men righteously,

Who rules in the fear of God,

Is as the light of the morning when the sun rises,

A morning without clouds,

When the tender grass springs out of the earth,

Through sunshine after rain.'"

"Sunshine After Rain"

Sometimes I just don’t understand,
Why you are holding back Your hand.
You let it rain,
You allow the pain.

Just when I think I cannot bear
Just one more day - You call, “I’m there!”
“Hold on to Me, hold tight to Me,
And let it rain. Oh, My child, let it rain.”

“Let the rain wash it all away -
All the guilt, the sin, and the shame.
Let it wash and cleanse your heart,
Prepare it for a brand new start.”

“Let the rain soak deep within
Let it soften every part—all that’s hard within your heart.
Let it rain.
Oh, My child, let it rain.”

“And when the dawn breaks through at last,
And the storm has finally passed -
New life will spring from you
Like the tender blades of grass
That spring anew—through sunshine after rain.”

Oh, may the water of Your word,
Turn my heart into fertile ground!
Oh, may I cling to You through the pain,
And surrender to the rain!

And when the dawn breaks through at last,
And the storm has finally passed -
Your glory I will see,
Your face will shine on me,
Your reflection, oh may I be.
You are the sunshine after rain.

So, if the storms are coming fast,
And you think you just can’t last,
Hold on to Him, oh, hold Him fast. Hold Him fast.
There will be sunshine,
He’s promised sunshine,
Look for the sunshine after rain.

(by Janet Doyle)

Please see "Songs" post for further information.

When my heart is overwhelmed...

Depression

I hate it. The very worst days of this Parkinson's Disease (PD) "journey" so far have not been because of any of the physical symptoms, pain, or discomfort. The very worst days have been caused by depression. Depression is horrible, and so many, many people suffer from it. It is often a part of the PD "package". And like PD itself, there are more questions than answers when trying to sort out what is causing it and what to do about it.

Why do so many people with PD also suffer from depression? It is not known whether it's a part of the chemical imbalance in the brain that is causing PD, or if it's just a result of having to deal with the disease itself. Maybe it's a combination of the two. Also, the more I learn about the medications prescribed to help ease the symptoms of PD, the more I see that the medications themselves can cause depression, or sometimes it's the withdrawal from those same meds that is the culprit. Maybe it's none of the above - maybe it's just life, itself. Or, maybe it's a combination of them all. Who knows?

So, what do you do? Do you try to figure out which drug may be causing the depression and try to get off of it? But what if withdrawal from that drug also causes depression? Do you add an anti-depressant to your ever-growing daily regimen of pills? Or do you tell your doctor you're tired of struggling with the meds, and sign up for brain surgery? Brain surgery, which by the way, can cause...depression. It's enough to make your head swim.

Although I am not sure right now what I need to do, I am determined to figure it out soon, with my doctor's help. Whether I need to stop taking a particular medication, or start taking a new one, or just move forward with the surgery - I will do whatever it takes to get as free as possible from the depression. But as I seek out the best medicine has to offer...my hope remains in the Lord.

Recently, when it was pretty bad, I did the only thing that I could do - I reached for my Bible. It's a good thing it happened to be sitting right next to me, otherwise I would not have had the energy, strength, or willpower to get up and get it. (Like I said, depression is horrible.) Although it's not easy to share all of this, if I'm going to share the journey, I'm going to share the whole thing - what's the point of "whitewashing" it, or leaving out the tough parts, and making it look "pretty". That wouldn't do any good at all.

So, whether you have PD or not, if you suffer from depression, or know someone that does - maybe this will help. It's not a magic pill - it didn't instantly make me feel better. But it helped me get through it - until I did.


What do you do when it's all just too much?
What do you do when the sadness won't lift?
What do you do when you agree with the enemy of your soul's accusations?
What do you do when you know it's not really that bad, but it feels like it is?

You reach for a lifeline - God's Word.

Hear my cry, O God;
Give heed to my prayer.
From the end of the earth I call to Thee, when my heart is overwhelmed;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
(Psalm 61:1-2)

Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why have you become disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him
For the help of His presence.
O my God, my soul is in despair within me;
Therefore I remember Thee from the land of the Jordan,
And the peaks of Hermon, from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep at the sound of Thy waterfalls;
All Thy breakers and Thy waves have rolled over me.
The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime;
And His song will be with me in the night,
A prayer to the God of my life."
(Psalm 42:5-8)

O send out Thy light and Thy truth, let them lead me;
Let them bring me to Thy holy hill,
And to Thy dwelling places.
Then I will go to the altar of God,
To God my exceeding joy;
And upon the lyre I shall praise Thee, O God, my God."
Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why are you disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him,
The help of my countenance, and my God."
(Psalm 43:3-5)

My soul waits in silence for God only;
From Him is my salvation.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
My stronghold; I shall not be greatly shaken.
(Psalm 62:1-2)

When I remember Thee on my bed,
I meditate on Thee in the night watches,
For Thou hast been my help,
And in the shadow of Thy wings I sing for joy.
My soul clings to Thee;
Thy right hand upholds me.
(Psalm 63:6-8)

"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name; you are Mine!
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they will not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched,
Nor will the flame burn you.
For I am the Lord your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior."
(Isaiah 43:1-3)

I do not fully understand why we have to go through things like this. But I do know that God will use it to "refine" us; He will use it for our good and His glory. He will use us to comfort and encourage others who share a similar struggle. And then there is this...

When the depression does lift, to say that things look brighter just doesn't do it justice. It's like a whole new world. It's like going from black and white - to color. It's like Dorothy falling asleep in Kansas, and waking up - in Oz. Come to think of it, maybe it's just a taste of what it'll be like when we leave this old world behind, and take our first steps - in glory.

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I shall know fully just as I also have been fully known. (1 Corinthians 13:12)

"Whatever It takes..." (Part Two)

One night, pretty soon after the official diagnosis, I was watching "Saving Milly", a television movie based on the life of a woman who had Parkinson's Disease (PD). Needless to say, it was difficult to watch the deterioration of a life over the course of several years all boiled down into two hours - knowing that that was my disease now, too. But at one point in the movie, Milly cried out in total frustration, "Why?! Why is God punishing me? What did I do that was so bad?" Almost immediately, something welled up from within my heart that made me want to reach through that television screen and take her face in my hands, and say to her, "No, Milly, no - God is not punishing you! God loves you! And He wants to help you!"

And then I realized - the reason that I felt that response in my heart, and felt it so strongly - was because that was what God was trying to tell me.

From that point on, I began looking in the right place for answers - His Word. God began to show me promise after promise after promise that were mine to claim, in spite of PD. And as my eyes started to lift to the One who was truly able to help me - oh, I began to grow in Him! The first promise was this one from the book of Isaiah, and it will always be a very special verse to me...

"Do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you, surely I will help you;
Surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
(Isaiah 41:10)

"Anxiously looking about me" pretty much sums up what I had been doing. But now, God, through His Word, was starting to give me His perspective - and it was very different from my own. The lessons continued...

The reality of having PD, with all of its symptoms, its difficulties, its prognosis - does not change the truth of God's Word -

"For I know the plans that I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)

This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Thy faithfulness,"The Lord is my portion," says my soul,"therefore I have hope in HIm."(Lamentations 3:21-24)

Although I am so thankful for knowledgable doctors, skilled surgeons, incredibly effective medications, and all the knowledge and skill and determination of researchers and scientists - my hope is not in man, medicine, procedures, research, or even a cure. And although I know that God, the Creator, the One who formed me, is able to heal me - my hope is not in His healing.

My hope - is in Him.

This is my own personal version of Psalm 20:7 -

"Some trust in doctors and medicine, and some in research and a cure; But I will trust in the name of the Lord, my God."

The lessons continued, and they still continue today. But after the diagnosis, my initial reaction, and a few months of "lessons learned" - there was a very special lesson, an "aha!" moment, a "moment of clarity" that I will never forget. During a Sunday morning sermon on Psalm 23, specifically the last part of verse 4 ("Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me."), our Pastor was explaining how a shepherd would use his rod to wound a wayward, stubborn sheep - one that kept wandering off. Then, he would carry that wounded sheep around on his shoulders (because the sheep could not walk on its own), everywhere they went, and care for that sheep's every need - until the sheep was healed of its wounds. And when the shepherd finally set that sheep back on its own feet, that once wayward, stubborn sheep - who used to continually wander off - stayed at his shepherd's side from that point on, even though it had the use of its legs again, and could go anywhere it wanted. It had grown to love the shepherd, and the sound of his voice, so much, that it never left his side again.

I listened to that sermon, and the tears started pouring down my face as I realized - that's me. That's what Jesus has done to me - and He is carrying me on His shoulders, and I am learning to love Him, and the sound of His voice, like I never have before. And I never, ever, want to leave His side again.

And then I remembered that prayer, spoken what seemed like so long ago..."Whatever it takes, Lord...whatever it takes..."

I meant it then, and I still do now.

I am safe in His hands.

"My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me; and I give eternal life to them, and they shall never perish, and no one shall snatch them out of My hand." (John 10:27-28)

"Whatever it takes..." (Part One)

Those three words changed my life.

My heart was thirsty. I had been a Christian since childhood, but there was a deep longing for something more. Something was missing. And although I did not know exactly what it was that I needed, I knew exactly what I needed to do. I prayed. I surrendered. I put my life in His hands, and said, "Father, whatever it takes...whatever it takes to make me completely Yours...I want You to do it."

The shaking began very mildly, very intermittantly, and only at certain times. For instance, when I was playing the piano, and my right foot would be on the damper pedal, all of a sudden my right leg would start to shake. It only happened every once in awhile. I attributed it to a pinched nerve, or some such nuisance, and pretty much ignored it. Then, several months later, my right arm began to shake. Again, it was only every once in a while, and not very bothersome - but still, it didn't go away, and over time, it seemed to be getting worse. I couldn't ignore it anymore.

Many months later, after quite a few doctor's appointments, an MRI and a few other tests, and many "observation" walks up and down the hallway of the neurologist's office - the diagnosis was finally made, and confirmed. Parkinson's Disease (PD). By that time, Kenny and I weren't really surprised. From the very first appointment when the neurologist mentioned it as a possibility, we had been learning about it and researching it. And as my symptoms began to slowly "unfold", we were sure that was what I had, and were impatient for the doctors to make the official diagnosis.

By this time, we had already learned that although the average age that most folks are diagnosed with PD is 60, a small percentage (5-10%) have what is called "young onset PD" - and I now belonged to that group. I was about 41 at the time. Although PD manifests itself with "motor" symptoms - tremor, stiffness, slowness, difficulties with walking and moving, etc... - it is primarily a brain problem. Neurons that manufacture a chemical called dopamine for some reason pretty much start to die off, or at least stop working. It is the lack of dopamine that causes the symptoms of PD. Once the symptoms of PD begin to show, you have already lost 80% of those neurons. There are a slew of medicines to help ease the symptoms - and they are very powerful. It is a delicate and sometimes frustrating process to find the right combination of meds that does the most good, with the least side effects. There is also a surgical procedure called Deep Brain Stimulation (DBS) that can greatly help ease the symptoms of PD. (At the present time, I am in the midst of the former, and seriously considering the latter.) The bottom line, however, is that there is no cure for PD, and it is a progressive, degenerative disease. It will continue to get worse.

As all of that began to sink in, I began to soak up as much info on PD, and those who had it, as I possibly could. And as important as it is to be well-informed, there's such a thing as "too much" - and I certainly reached that level. There are so many possible symptoms and problems one could have with PD, but no one person will have them all. I didn't need to dwell on everything that could happen. And within the community of those who had the disease, I found a lot of anger, and fear, and misplaced hope, and not much faith. Maybe I just wasn't looking in the right place - I don't know. All I know is that I finally had to put the books down. I knew I was looking for answers in the wrong places. I don't remember if I started praying more earnestly then, or not. It's a moot point anyway - because regardless of whether or not I voiced the request - God gave me the answers I was looking for...