I hate it. The very worst days of this Parkinson's Disease (PD) "journey" so far have not been because of any of the physical symptoms, pain, or discomfort. The very worst days have been caused by depression. Depression is horrible, and so many, many people suffer from it. It is often a part of the PD "package". And like PD itself, there are more questions than answers when trying to sort out what is causing it and what to do about it.
Why do so many people with PD also suffer from depression? It is not known whether it's a part of the chemical imbalance in the brain that is causing PD, or if it's just a result of having to deal with the disease itself. Maybe it's a combination of the two. Also, the more I learn about the medications prescribed to help ease the symptoms of PD, the more I see that the medications themselves can cause depression, or sometimes it's the withdrawal from those same meds that is the culprit. Maybe it's none of the above - maybe it's just life, itself. Or, maybe it's a combination of them all. Who knows?
So, what do you do? Do you try to figure out which drug may be causing the depression and try to get off of it? But what if withdrawal from that drug also causes depression? Do you add an anti-depressant to your ever-growing daily regimen of pills? Or do you tell your doctor you're tired of struggling with the meds, and sign up for brain surgery? Brain surgery, which by the way, can cause...depression. It's enough to make your head swim.
Although I am not sure right now what I need to do, I am determined to figure it out soon, with my doctor's help. Whether I need to stop taking a particular medication, or start taking a new one, or just move forward with the surgery - I will do whatever it takes to get as free as possible from the depression. But as I seek out the best medicine has to offer...my hope remains in the Lord.
Recently, when it was pretty bad, I did the only thing that I could do - I reached for my Bible. It's a good thing it happened to be sitting right next to me, otherwise I would not have had the energy, strength, or willpower to get up and get it. (Like I said, depression is horrible.) Although it's not easy to share all of this, if I'm going to share the journey, I'm going to share the whole thing - what's the point of "whitewashing" it, or leaving out the tough parts, and making it look "pretty". That wouldn't do any good at all.
So, whether you have PD or not, if you suffer from depression, or know someone that does - maybe this will help. It's not a magic pill - it didn't instantly make me feel better. But it helped me get through it - until I did.
What do you do when it's all just too much?
What do you do when the sadness won't lift?
What do you do when you agree with the enemy of your soul's accusations?
What do you do when you know it's not really that bad, but it feels like it is?
You reach for a lifeline - God's Word.
Hear my cry, O God;
Give heed to my prayer.
From the end of the earth I call to Thee, when my heart is overwhelmed;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
(Psalm 61:1-2)
Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why have you become disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him
For the help of His presence.
O my God, my soul is in despair within me;
Therefore I remember Thee from the land of the Jordan,
And the peaks of Hermon, from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep at the sound of Thy waterfalls;
All Thy breakers and Thy waves have rolled over me.
The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime;
And His song will be with me in the night,
A prayer to the God of my life."
(Psalm 42:5-8)
O send out Thy light and Thy truth, let them lead me;
Let them bring me to Thy holy hill,
And to Thy dwelling places.
Then I will go to the altar of God,
To God my exceeding joy;
And upon the lyre I shall praise Thee, O God, my God."
Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why are you disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him,
The help of my countenance, and my God."
(Psalm 43:3-5)
My soul waits in silence for God only;
From Him is my salvation.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
My stronghold; I shall not be greatly shaken.
(Psalm 62:1-2)
When I remember Thee on my bed,
I meditate on Thee in the night watches,
For Thou hast been my help,
And in the shadow of Thy wings I sing for joy.
My soul clings to Thee;
Thy right hand upholds me.
(Psalm 63:6-8)
"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name; you are Mine!
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they will not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched,
Nor will the flame burn you.
For I am the Lord your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior."
(Isaiah 43:1-3)
I do not fully understand why we have to go through things like this. But I do know that God will use it to "refine" us; He will use it for our good and His glory. He will use us to comfort and encourage others who share a similar struggle. And then there is this...
When the depression does lift, to say that things look brighter just doesn't do it justice. It's like a whole new world. It's like going from black and white - to color. It's like Dorothy falling asleep in Kansas, and waking up - in Oz. Come to think of it, maybe it's just a taste of what it'll be like when we leave this old world behind, and take our first steps - in glory.
For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I shall know fully just as I also have been fully known. (1 Corinthians 13:12)
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