"But God..."

Today has been a great day.  And honestly, it is such a welcome change.  I still struggled during the "off" times (when the meds weren't working) with painful dystonia, tremor, slowness and stiffness, walking like...well, if you've ever seen the "Carol Burnett Show", Tim Conway had an old doctor character that hilariously "shuffled" across the room, pretty much blind and deaf, too old to do anything but make mistakes that would crack up Harvey Korman and make him laugh, laugh, laugh.  That shuffle is pretty much the PD walk, untreated.  With meds, and in my case, DBS (at least on one side of the brain), when I'm "on" (the meds are working at their best), I can walk normally, run, even play soccer with Pearl (wonderful mutt who loves to play fetch with a soccer ball, and she is fast!).  There are a lot of ups and downs everyday with PD.  You can look pretty normal (although it is never pre-PD normal) at one time, and a few hours later, you can have people asking you, with genuine concern, if you're okay.

Today has been an up and down day like all the rest.  Even now, late at night, my last dose of meds is rapidly wearing off, and just walking from room to room is painful.  My back, which was absolutely fine an hour ago, is now killing me when I stand too long.  Dystonia is painful.  I'm going to need an extra 1/2 a pill or 2 to get to sleep tonight.  (It's okay - my doc said I could do that. :))  Dystonia affects my feet and toes, legs, back, arms, neck...pretty much everything.  Sleeping can be quite a struggle.  Shoulders and hips hurt on both sides, sleeping on my stomach hurts my back too much, and sleeping on my back when I'm dystonic - the back of my neck feels like a 2x4 and I cannot relax, cannot get comfortable.  Add tremor to dystonia and you've got even more discomfort.  Dystonia is involuntary contraction of muscles.  The muscles contract, and contract, and contract - and don't let go.  Tremor is an involuntary shaking movement that involves muscle contraction and relaxation.  You wouldn't think the two could go together, but my left leg does them both all the time - I wouldn't recommend it. 

Honestly, I'm not trying to complain.  This is just how it is.

But today has been better, not necessarily because things have been better physically (although they are better than last week when I had a hard time with nausea from the meds, got behind on meds, therefore more PD symptoms...yada, yada, that's another story), but because I've had a lightness in my heart - I've felt full of joy and hope.  I've smiled a lot, I've enjoyed my kids so much.  I had a great lunch with hubby and one of our daughters.  I've accomplished quite a bit, and didn't get discouraged and depressed and anxious when the sun went down like so often happens.  PD is not just a movement disorder. 

It affects everything.

But God...

I love those two words put together.  I've started marking them very noticably whenever I see them in my Bible.  And they're there quite a bit.  For example:

When Joseph's brothers were fearful that he would exact vengeance for their hateful actions so many years earlier, Joseph said to them:

"As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive." (Genesis 50:20)

When David had to run for his life from King Saul:

"...And Saul sought him every day, but God did not deliver him into his hand." (1 Samuel 23:14)

From the Psalms:

"My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26)

From Peter's sermon at Pentecost (it's a bit long, but so good!):

"Men of Israel, listen to these words: Jesus the Nazarene, a man attested to you by God with miracles and wonders and signs which God performed through Him in your midst, just as you yourselves know - this Man, delivered over by the predetermined plan and foreknowledge of God, you nailed to a cross by the hands of godless men and put Him to death.  But God raised Him up again, putting an end to the agony of death, since it was impossible for Him to be held in its power." (Acts 2:22-24)

And just a few more gems:

"For while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.  For one will hardly die for a righteous man; though perhaps for the good man someone would dare even to die.  But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:6-8)

"And you were dead in your trespasses and sins, in which you formerly walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, of the spirit that is now working in the sons of disobedience.  Among them we too all formerly lived in the lusts of our flesh, indulging the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, even as the rest.  But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the ages to come He might show the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus." (Ephesians 2:1-7)

Okay, that last one was really long - but I couldn't leave it out!  There are more - I had to pick and choose which ones to use.  Do you see how powerful those two "small" (as in only a few letters) words are? 

You see, God can do whatever He wants.  Nothing is too hard for Him, and no one can stand in His way.  Psalm 135:6 tells us "Whatever the Lord pleases, He does, In heaven and in earth, in the seas and in all deeps."  No circumstance of life can defeat Him, or frustrate His plans, or threaten Him.  He has all the power.  And praise God, what He wants to do is help us!  He's already done so much for us - why would He abandon us now?  Like Paul said in Romans 8:32, "He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?"

Every day is a struggle - more of a struggle than I ever knew was coming.  But I'm learning, the harder the struggle, the more God will grow your faith, and when you're walking by faith, and relying on His strength, life gets more and more abundant. 

So what made today so much better?  I held on to these verses, and walked by faith:

"Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears our burden, The God who is our salvation. Selah." (Psalm 68:19)

"...casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)

"In the morning, O Lord, You will hear my voice; In the morning I will order my prayer to You and eagerly watch." (Psalm 5:3)

In the morning, give it all to Him.  Every day, give it all to Him.  He daily bears our burdens.  He'll take all the anxieties from us, because He cares about us!  Give it all to Him - and then eagerly watch for what He will do!  You never know what a day might bring!  Don't put God in a box!  Don't underestimate what He can do!  Give all your cares and worries to Him, trust in Him, make Him your refuge...and then eagerly watch, wait, hope...for Him.  He will not disappoint!