Changes

We had choir practice tonight - getting ready for the Easter cantata. And it happened again - I just can't play some of the passages. It's only 4 notes at a time, SATB - I'm only playing the choir notes for them as they practice. And if it goes too fast, or gets complicated (lots of accidentals)...I can't get through it. Sightreading has always come easy to me. Ask me to play something by ear, and I'll tell you to give me an hour, a day, or a week, and I'll figure it out! I can't play by ear - but I've always been able to read music, and pick it up pretty quickly.

There's a slowness in my "processing". It's not a physical problem with my hands - not this time anyway. I definitely have slowness and sluggishness in my fingers that have affected my playing, some times more than others (both meds and DBS have made this better). But what's going on now is new and different. I can tell the problem is in my brain - my thinking. My eyes see the notes, but getting that information to the brain and on to the fingers is hitting some snags. I may get two of the four notes, or just hit wrong notes... On one song, I could not play the rhythm right no matter how hard I tried. It's frustrating...and humbling.

I've also noticed that when I play for hymns, or by myself - I really tend to rush, especially if I'm nervous. My hands just feel out of control - I have to intentionally keep slowing them down. I have to constantly keep them in check. I don't understand this one, because usually, PD slows things down...all movement gets slower (paradoxically, you could have things like tremor and dyskinesia, which are extra movements - there are times when I'd give anything to be able to be still!), thinking gets slower, digestion gets slower, voice gets lower, mood and energy level get lower...

But these are all things that can be fought against. I can get on the treadmill and force my legs to move quickly. I can use Wii Fit, and do the stepping program and get my feet moving to the beat - that really does help. I can keep moving and exercising and drink lots of water and eat an "apple a day" to help the insides keep moving along. I can intentionally swing my arms back and forth and make myself take long strides, and walk faster - as I walk from my car to the grocery store. And I can intentionally park far away from the store, to give myself more walking time! I can do my PD exercises as I move about the house, intentionally thinking BIG movements - lift the legs as high as they can go, bend and stretch as far as possible, keep pulling back the shoulders over and over again to keep the posture up... I can intentionally speak LOUDER than I think I need to, because PD softens the voice... I can intentionally exercise my face - make all kinds of faces to get those facial muscles working, so that I'm not wearing that "PD mask" that takes all emotion out of your face and makes you look like you're constantly depressed, angry, or constipated. Well, you might be the last one - but I refuse to stop smiling!

And I can do crossword puzzles, play Wii games, keep homeschooling my kids, do memory puzzles, learn a new language, play more piano, and even practice more sightreading...and maybe gain back some of what I've lost. That's one thing I've learned about PD - things are always changing...but whether it's through medicine, or brain surgery, or exercise, or just plain stubborn determination - sometimes, the changes can be for the better.


I will lift up my eyes to the mountains;
From where shall my help come?
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth.
He will not allow your foot to slip;
He who keeps you will not slumber.
Psalm 121:1-3

"His eye is on the sparrow...and I know He watches me!"