It is possible...

The surgery is 9 days away (DBS - Deep Brain Stimulation). As it gets closer and closer, I get more nervous and more excited at the same time. This morning, for some reason, I feel the nervousness more than the excitement. Sometimes I wonder if I can really do this - I'm just not that brave. But I came across something that I wrote earlier this month, something that I did not intend to share with anyone, because it was more of a venting exercise - I just needed to write without thinking it through too much. But it reminded me of why I'm doing this, and I guess it shows what a bad day with PD is like -

Tonight, I am tired of Parkinson's Disease. Tonight, I am tired of feeling this way. Tonight, I am tired. Sometimes I wish I could just let it all out - just list every single thing that I am feeling and dealing with, without complaining, or whining. Most of the time, I just deal with it - but tonight, I am tired of dealing with it.

I don't even think I could list everything - it's so complicated, and there's so much going on. The medications aren't working right now, and it's been a long day, with a good bit of activity (for me anyway) - so I'm extremely stiff, very sore, there is pain with every movement, and I am so tired that it hurts.

Most of the time, I am aware that I have PD, I have accepted it, it is just a part of my life now - but tonight, it is making it's presence known so strongly, that it is a little scary. I don't want to have PD. I want to feel normal again. I want to be normal again for my kids. I want to be healthy and strong and energetic - and normal.

DBS will not make the disease go away, and it will not make me healthy or normal - but I am hoping that it will push me a good bit back in that direction.

Here is my very limited, very "unmedical", and possibly just plain incorrect, understanding of what will happen next week, but it will be something like this:

Tuesday, August 4th: Admitted to Suburban Hospital, in Bethesda, MD. Probably one of the first orders of business will be physically painless, although it may hurt my pride - they'll shave my head. Then, using local anesthetic, they will put 5 or 6 bone screws in my head. Sounds awful, but it's actually part of the "frameless" technique that Dr. Levine uses - and it's better than the alternative. The old way used a big frame that bolted to your head, and was then bolted to the operating table, and you had to remain completely still during the surgery. I don't completely understand the frameless technique, but somehow these bone screws, along with the scans that are done while the bone screws are in place, orient the head in space - and it is not necessary to be "pinned down" to the table. Once the bone screws are in place, a 3-dimensional MRI and a CAT scan are done. That night, I will stop taking all of my PD meds, so that in the morning, I will not have any of them in my system - for the first time in around 4 years. I don't know how bad I am without any medication - this should be interesting.

Wednesday, August 5th: DBS Lead Placement, the "Big Surgery" - 7:30 am. First, I get to meet everybody - Dr. Levine (the surgeon), the anesthesiologist and an anesthesia team, nurses, and an electrophysiologist (what exactly is an "electrophysiologist" anyway? I don't know, but it sounds impressive!) I will not be put under general anesthesia for this surgery - I will be awake for most of it - but they will use some light sedation for some parts of it. (A nurse friend of ours told us it would most likely be the medicine that Michael Jackson was using - I didn't need to hear that. He went on to explain that it would be used the correct way in the hospital!) From what I understand, it sounds like they will let me sleep through all of the uncomfortable parts - particularly, when they are drilling a hole in my skull - and I appreciate that so very much!

The next step is to find the "target" - the tiny part of the brain where the lead needs to go. They actually listen to the sound of the cells firing in the brain to guide them - different cells make different sounds. Dr. Levine told Kenny and I at our consultation with him, that some cells sound like a bowl of rice krispies - "snap, crackle, pop"; some sound like rain on a tin roof; and some are supposed to sound a certain way, but in PD patients, they sound chaotic. I had no idea, and I am amazed at the complexity and the beauty of the human body - but not surprised. Awesome Creator - awesome creation.

Once the target is found, they will test the stimulation - this could be the incredibly cool part. If it's in the right spot, and if it's going to work at all - it will work when they turn it on. This is why I will not have any medications in my system - they want to see my symptoms full-on, so they can see if the stimulation is going to have any effect. So, I suspect I will be shaking a good bit at this point - probably pretty stiff and sore, as well. They will probably ask me to manipulate the fingers of my right hand, and without medication, that will be slow and sluggish. Then they'll turn it on. It is possible that the tremor will just disappear and my right hand and arm (and perhaps my leg as well, at that point) will become still. It is possible that the resistance in my movements, like trying to move quickly underwater, will be gone, and I will be able to move my right hand and arm freely. It is possible that the stiffness will simply melt away. It is possible. And that's why I'm doing it.

Once the lead is implanted, they'll put me back to sleep, close everything up, take out the bone screws and send me to the recovery room. The next day, they'll do another CAT scan - if everything looks normal (except for the new hardware in my head!) - I'll go home that day, Thursday, August 6th.

But I'll be back on the following Wednesday, August 12th, for the placement of the extension wires and the battery pack, or IPG (Implantable Pulse Generator). This is an outpatient procedure, but they don't need me at all for this - so it's done under general anesthesia. Everything is put under the skin, and the IPG is placed below the collarbone. However, it is not turned on, yet. There is usually some swelling in the brain from the lead implantation, and that needs to go down before everything is turned on and the fine-tuning process begins. So, I'll have to wait a few weeks or so for that. Even then, it is a process, and it may take several months before the right IPG settings in combination with the right medications are found. Programming the IPG is a complicated process, and I've got a lot of learning to do to really understand it - but I know that there are many different factors involved in the programming. The lead in the brain has four tiny electrodes on it - and they can be turned off and on, independently of each other. I may be completely wrong on this, but I believe they're trying to find the one that is in the best position to give the best results. Then, there are three different things that can be adusted - frequency, pulse width, and voltage. I think I remember one of the doctors at the Movement Disorder Clinic where I go saying that there are over 60,000 possible combinations of settings in this tiny little battery-operated neurostimulator. Amazing. But it's going to take time to find the right one for each patient. "Patient" - what an appropriate term for the one being "programmed" - because it's going to take a lot of patience, and determination to stick with it, and not get frustrated and, well...impatient.

I found an article from February, 2004, in Washington Hospital Center's "Physician" magazine about DBS and specifically, about Dr. Levine, who will be performing my DBS surgery. It was a great encouragement. Here are a few quotes:

Outcomes (of DBS surgery) have been excellent, Levine says. Patients are able to reduce the amount of medication needed by 40-50 percent and some no longer need medication. Parkinson's patients experience a 70 percent increase in effective time without symptoms.

"It's one of the most satisfying operations I do," Levine says. "The patient feels the results right away on the table."

"The target is 5 mm in length and you have to hit it in the right axis," Levine explains. "You have to spear it exactly." The exact location depends on the patient and the condition being treated. Levine threads a microelectode into the brain and measures activity to find where there is a precise fit.

"It is a wild experience. You implant the stimulator leads and watch the tremor or rigidity disappear. It blows the patient away."

There are no guarantees - but it is possible, in fact, I would say that is very likely, that this surgery is going to do me a whole lot of good. There are risks, and although they are small, they still must be considered. But the bottom line is this - I am safe in God's hands, and He is in complete control. I cannot quote anything from the Bible that specifically directs me to have this surgery done, of course, but I feel in my heart that this is the path He wants me to take.

Your ears will hear a word behind you, "This is the way, walk in it," whenever you turn to the right or to the left. (Isaiah 30:21)

In fact, at this point, I think the only thing that would keep my from the surgery - is fear. And that is just not an option.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)

The verse that God first put in my heart at the beginning of this journey, is the verse that I will cling to during the days to come -

Do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,
Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
(Isaiah 41:10)

It is possible...that better days are ahead.


"...for all things are possible with God." (Mark 10:27b)
"...all things are possible to him who believes." (Mark 9:23b)
I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:17)

"Bring them here to Me."

John the Baptist was dead. Herod got caught up in a dance, made a foolish promise, and in order to save his own face, had John the Baptist beheaded. His disciples, the men who had followed him, listened to his teaching, served him - came and got his body, and buried him. Then they went...and told Jesus.

When Jesus heard, He withdrew. He went away by Himself to a lonely place. He wanted to be alone. John the Baptist was dead. This was His cousin, but he was so much more than that. This was the one sent to "prepare His way". This was the one, who, as an infant, still in his mother Elizabeth's womb, leapt for joy at the sound of the voice of Mary, because she was carrying His Lord. This was the one who saw Jesus coming, and told his disciples, "Look - there He is - the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!" This was the one who felt completely unworthy to even untie Jesus' sandals, and yet, because Jesus asked him to, he baptized the Son of God. This was the one who said, "I must decrease, and He must increase." This was the one of whom Jesus said, "Among those born of women there has not arisen anyone greater than John the Baptist." And now, he was dead.

Jesus is fully God, but Jesus is also fully man - and while He lived on this earth, He experienced what we experience. For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet wthout sin. (Hebrews 4:15) He got tired and hungry, He got angry, He got frustrated and weary, He got delighted, He got sad, He grieved. And when he heard that John was dead - He wanted to be alone.

He got in a boat to go off by Himself, but the multitude figured out where He was going, and walked there on foot - and when Jesus got out of the boat, they were there waiting for Him. He wanted to be alone. He was hurting, His heart was heavy - He wanted to pray to His Father, by Himself. But when He saw that crowd of people - He felt compassion for them. He didn't tell them to go away. He didn't tell them, "Now is not a good time." He felt compassion for them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd - lost sheep. And He taught them many things about the kingdom of God, and He healed their sick. He ministered to them - in the midst of His own grief.

When it got late in the day, His disciples came to Him and urged Him to send the crowd away so they could go into the nearby towns and get something to eat. It had been a long day - they were tired, they knew Jesus was tired and needed some rest, and they knew everyone needed something to eat. It was time to break things up. But Jesus wasn't done, yet. His plans had already been interrupted, He had already been inconvenienced - He spent the day teaching and healing the multitude when He had wanted to be by Himself. Surely He had done enough. His disciples thought so. But something even bigger was coming.

He told His disciples, "The people don't need to go anywhere - you get them something to eat!" I can just imagine the looks on the disciples' faces. "Huh? How are we supposed to do that?" Jesus asked them what they had. They said, "We have here only five loaves and two fish." They must have said that with some frustration, and with the thought that maybe now Jesus would see that they were right to want to send the crowd away. Maybe they thought, "See, Jesus - we've only got one small boy's lunch, and there are thousands of people here. We just can't do it - we cannot feed all these people. Really, Jesus, it's just laughable. Now, why don't You just send them away, and lets go get some rest." That's what I would have thought. Obviously, I don't know what they were thinking - all we know is that they told Jesus what they had, and I guess they figured Jesus could do the math.

But Jesus said, "Bring them here to Me."

Oh, there is such power in those words. It doesn't matter how small the offering, or how great the need. It doesn't matter how impossible the situation looks. When we put what we have into the hands of the Son of God; the hands that created this world; the nail-scarred hands that paid the price for our sins, and redeemed us, and bought us, and made us His own - He turns our tiny, inisignificant offering into a feast for a multitude, with plenty to spare.

Jesus took the bread, and blessed it, and broke it, and gave it to His disciples to pass out amongst the people - and He kept giving, and kept giving, and kept giving - until every single one of those thousands of people were full. And then He told the disciples to go gather up the leftovers - twelve baskets worth!

Jesus wants us to bring what we have to Him. We may think it is insignificant. We may think it is too little to do any good. But it does not matter what we think. If we put it into the Master's hands - He will bless it, and He will use it to fulfill His purposes, with plenty to spare.

And He wants us to not only bring Him our offerings, but He also tells us to bring Him our burdens, our fears, our doubts - the heavy loads we carry. He says, "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest." He takes the load off our shoulders, and gives us rest in return.

He wants us to bring ourselves to Him.

"If anyone wishes to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life shall lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel's shall save it. For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world, and forfeit his soul? For what shall a man give in exchange for his soul? For whoever is ashamed of Me and My words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will also be ashamed of him when He comes in the glory of His Father with the holy angels."

If we will put our very lives in His hands, He will take an insignificant, sinful, weak, pitiful, prideful mess - and make a new creature.

No matter how big or small the offering, no matter how heavy the load, no matter how insignificant the life - Jesus says to us,

"Bring them here to Me."

When we do - amazing things happen.

Now to Him who is able to do exceeding abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen. (Ephesians 3:20-21)

"Just Another Hole in My Head"

Well, the decision has been made, and the date has been set. I will undergo DBS surgery on Wednesday, August 5th. DBS stands for "Deep Brain Stimulation", and it is often described as a pacemaker for the brain. Specific "targets", deep in the brain (around the same level as the eyes, I think), are stimulated with an electrical current that can be adjusted and modified to fit each individual's needs. This electrical stimulation eases the symptoms of Parkinson's Disease. It is not understood why it works, exactly - just that it does (most of the time).

DBS does not cure PD, and it does not stop the progression of PD. Although some feel it may slow the progression, that is unproven, and remains to be seen. DBS does provide relief from the symptoms - as much relief as you get when the medications are working at their best (with one exception - it can help the tremor, even when medications don't). That begs the question, why not just continue to take the medications and avoid brain surgery altogether? The answer is almost as complicated as this disease, I think, but I'll do my best.

Why DBS?

PD is progressive - the longer you have it, the worse it gets - and more and more medication is needed to keep up with it. As the amounts of medication increase, and the length of time they are taken grows longer, the side effects also increase - and they can be pretty troublesome. Some of the PD medicines just cannot be tolerated at all, because of the side effects. Every person is different - not only in how PD affects them, but in how the medicines affect them, as well.

Also, as the disease progresses, the medications begin to "wear off" between doses, creating "on" times - when the medications are working well and the PD symptoms are under control, and "off" times - when the medications are not working, and the PD symptoms are keenly felt and very apparent. It makes each day a bit of a roller-coaster ride. As time goes on, the "off" times will get longer, and "on" times will shorten, creating a roller-coaster ride with more "downs" than "ups". When you get PD at a younger age than most, you have a lot longer to live with the disease - a lot longer to be on the "ride". So time is a big factor when you're trying to figure out the best way to cope with it.

DBS provides symptom relief without the side effects of medications, and DBS provides symptom relief at a consistent level, without the "wearing off" that happens between doses of pills. DBS does not totally replace the need for medications - but it can significantly decrease the amount of medication needed, therefore decreasing the side effects - and making better use of time, because you're putting off the heavier doses of medicine - at least for awhile.

All Things Considered

There is much to take into consideration when making this decision. First of all, your doctors must consider you a good "candidate" for the surgery, before anything else can take place. Not everyone will have good results from DBS. I was told I was a good candidate for the procedure because my tremor is a predominant symptom, and that usually responds well to DBS; I am experiencing a lot of troubling side effects, some of which make it impossible for me to take some of the PD meds; I do respond well to Sinemet, the standard PD drug (if you respond well to Sinemet, you will most likely respond well to DBS); and I am relatively young and relatively healthy, so I have a better chance to achieve a great benefit from this surgery, if successful.

DBS does not fix everything. Gait and balance are a few symptoms that DBS does not seem to help with very much, along with many of the "non-motor" symptoms of PD. The risks of DBS surgery are small, but they are there. Some of them are - the risks of any brain surgery: bleeding in the brain, seizures, infection; the risks of side effects from DBS: speech problems, weight gain, depression; and the risks of device complications: infection, rejection, readjustment surgery if problems occur. The good news is that these risks go down in direct proportion to the competence and skill of the neurosurgeon. I've got a great one - with lots of experience!

DBS is a life-long commitment, I suppose - but then, PD is a life-long disease! Unless a cure is found, or something better comes along, or there is a problem with it - DBS will be a part of my life for the duration. Having it "installed" is just the beginning. It has to be programmed, adjusted, and tweaked - along with the medications - until the right combination is found for optimal results. And as the disease progresses, more adjusting and "tweaking" must be done.

Life with DBS will take some getting used to. For instance, it has been suggested that anyone with DBS should have a med-alert bracelet that says, "DBS, NO MRI!". Now, my understanding is that there actually are certain kinds of MRI's that you can have done, under the direct supervision of your DBS team of doctors - but a regular, run-of-the-mill MRI is out of the question - it could actually be deadly. Security systems can be a problem. They can turn your stimulator off, or mess up your programming, or something. I will have a remote control so that I can turn the stimulation off and on myself, but there are some security sytems that I'm just going to have to avoid. I'm not a "frequent flyer" by any means - but the next time I go to an airport, I'm going to have to go through security the old-fashioned way!

I will also have to get used to the idea of more surgery, in all likelihood. Before this, my only surgical experience has been two C-sections. There's just something about having a baby at the end of the ordeal that takes your mind off what you know is going on - on the other side of that sheet! Well, that is unless your husband can see beyond the sheet, and is giving you a blow-by-blow account of which internal organs have now become "external" so that they can get to the baby... Actually, a C-section is pretty good practice for DBS surgery in one way, at least - being awake during surgery! More on that later. But the initial DBS surgeries (there are two) will most likely be followed by others.

First of all, I am only having one side of my brain "wired" this time - this is called "uni-lateral DBS". My symptoms are mostly on my right side, which is controlled by the left side of the brain, so that is the side that will have the DBS, first. It's a pretty sure thing that I will eventually have symptoms on my left side, as well. When that happens, I will go through all of this again, for the right side of my brain. I could have opted for "bi-lateral DBS", and had both sides of the brain "wired up", but only turn the left side on for now, and turn the right side on when needed. That sounds very logical, but there are reasons for only doing one side at a time - reasons that make sense to me, to Kenny, and to Dr. Levine, the neurosurgeon. (I won't get into them now - if I go down every possible "rabbit trail" - I'll never get this done!)

Also, the neurostimulator which will be placed under the skin near the collarbone - is a battery-operated device. And changing the batteries - will require surgery (but at least it's of the "outpatient" variety!). How often that needs to be done varies with each patient - but usually, I think it's every three to seven years. And if there are any problems with any of the hardware - the leads, the lead extensions, or the neurostimulator - it will probably require surgery to fix, or replace, the problem.

The Decision

Well, having laid all of that out, I think it is understandable why the decision to have DBS has not been made lightly, or quickly. That whole process may be the subject of another post some day, but for now, I think I'll just say this -

I found a "yahoo group" for those who have had DBS, or their family members, or those who are considering it. I think I have learned more about DBS from that group than any other source - at least the practical aspects of it, for sure. You just do not get a "feel" for what it's like living with DBS from the articles and books written on the subject. But reading what people who have actually gone through it have written - that's an eye opener! When I was pretty much agonizing over whether or not to go for this surgery, I posted a question to this group - I asked them several things, but the main one was - was it worth it? So many kind and wonderful people responded - they all had different stories, different problems with DBS, different "bumps in the road" and frustrations. But I think they all had the same answer to my main question. They did not use the same words, but they were all saying, in effect - it's not perfect, there are problems, you have to be patient, there will be new obstacles to overcome, and it's not a cure - but I'd do it again in a heartbeat. It's changed my life.

Although that was not the deciding factor for me, it was a big step towards my ultimate decision to have this surgery. I am thankful for these people.

So, in less than a month, I'll be getting "another hole in my head". Why do I say that? Well, a few weeks ago, we were sitting in a Prayer Meeting at our church. I had just gotten my surgery date, and Kenny was going to mention it as a prayer request. I didn't expect an emotional, worried appeal, with a tear rolling down his face or anything - that's just not his style. But, he still surprised me. He raised his hand, and when called upon, simply said, "Janet's going to have a few more holes put in her head on August 5th - pray for her."

What a blessing he is - he does not let me take myself, or any of this stuff, too seriously - unless I really need to for awhile - and then he does. I am thankful for my husband.

I am thankful.

Freedom Isn't Free

I just finished watching the movie, 1776. I love that production - seen it in the movie theatre, seen it in the dinner theatre, seen it at home on DVD - I just love 1776. It's been quite a while since the last time I watched it, and I've been wanting to watch it all weekend - I always get the urge around July 4th - and finally found the DVD and popped it in this evening.

As I was watching and enjoying the story, the dialog, the music, the humor, and the history - I noticed something new. The long journey, effort, and battle for independence; the labor pains for a new birth, a new nation, for freedom - has many parallels to the Christian's journey: the warfare that is our daily battle, and the work that must be put forth towards a new kingdom.

In this movie, John Adams is undoubtedly the main character. He is the driving force behind the effort towards American independence. And he is frustrated at every turn, it seems, by the other delegates in the Continental Congress. Some are just dead set against him. They want absolutely nothing to do with independence. They want to remain a subject of the king of England, and they make no bones about it. They deny that a war even exists, even though blood has already been shed. They want to keep waving the white flag of peace at any cost - they are comfortable with the way things are, and do not want anyone to rock the boat. Some are a little harder to pin down - but when it comes down to it, they are unwilling to make the commitment. They said things like, "If I thought we could actually win the war, I'd be all for it - but we haven't got a chance. I'm not going to fight a losing battle." Or, "Well, if everyone else goes for it, then I'll join up - but for now, I'll just wait and see." Or even this - "Well, let's let the army fight, and see what happens - if they win, then we can demand whatever we want - if they don't, then we'll still be okay - we won't hang from the gallows, anyway." John Adams' reply to that one was, "How can you expect an army to win a war, if they don't know what they're fighting for!"

I couldn't help but see how this is mirrored in Christianity today. I had to ask myself, who do I most closely resemble? I want to be like John Adams, totally committed to the cause of Christ. I want to take up my cross daily, and follow Him. I want to have a vision of what is to come, and have the commitment to stay with the effort, until it is done - until it is finished. I want to be ready and willing to go out and "storm the gates of hell", as I heard in this morning's sermon.

That is how I want to be, but is that how I am, or am I like those who are comfortable with the way things are - they don't want anyone to rock the boat. They deny that a war even exists - even though blood has already been spilled. The warfare is spiritual, and the blood is first and foremost the precious blood of our Lord Jesus Christ, but it is also the blood of all the martyrs who have given their lives for their faith in Him - for the sake of His cause. Yes, there is warfare going on, but they would rather wave the white flag of peace at any cost - and remain subject to the enemy, to sin - than offend anyone.

When the delegates were amending and editing the Declaration of Independence, they would ask that a phrase be re-worded, or omitted entirely, so as not to offend Parliament, the people of England, even the king of England, himself. John Adams cried out in frustration, "For goodness' sake, this is a revolution - you're going to have to offend someone!" As Christians, we are in a battle, and Jesus warned us - if we're on His side, we're going to offend someone. "Remember the word that I said to you, 'A slave is not greater than his master.' If they persecuted Me, they will also persecute you." (John 15:20) In fact, He said it's a very good thing if you've offended someone for His sake, and if you've offended no one, there is a problem there. "Blessed are you when men hate you, and ostracize you, and cast insults at you, and spurn your name as evil, for the sake of the Son of Man. Be glad in that day, and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is great in heaven; for in the same way their fathers used to treat the prophets...Woe to you when all men speak well of you, for in the same way their fathers used to treat the false prophets. (Luke 6:22-23,26)

Or am I like those that are a little harder to pin down? They admit there's a battle going on, but they're unwilling to get involved in it - maybe because they don't truly believe that victory is possible. But belief is absolutely essential to a vibrant, victorious Christian life. Take care, brethren, lest there should be in any one of you an evil, unbelieving heart, in falling away from the living God. (Hebrews 3:12) And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of thsoe who seek him. (Hebrews 11:6)

Am I like some who don't want to step out on a limb all by themselves? They'll go if everyone else does - but until that happens, they'll just wait - and watch. Christianity is not a spectator sport. But prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks at his natural face in a mirror; for once he has looked at himself and gone away, he has immediately forgotten what kind of person he was. But one who looks intently at the perfect law, the law of liberty, and abides by it, not having become a forgetful hearer but an effectual doer, this man shall be blessed in what he does. If anyone thinks himself to be religious, and yet does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this man's religion is worthless. This is pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father, to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world. (James 1:22-27)

Am I like those who would just rather stay behind the battle lines altogether - and let others do the fighting? If the battle is won, great - if it's lost, they figure they'll still be okay - they didn't really choose sides. Jesus said we're either on one side or the other. There's no middle ground, there's no "neutral position" in this war. He who is not with Me is against Me, and he who does not gather with Me, scatters. (Luke 11:23) I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot; I would that you were cold or hot. So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth. (Revelation 3:15-16)

The delegates from New York constantly abstained from every vote throughout the movie. They just never got any instructions from their state legislature, and they didn't know which way to vote - so they just stayed neutral...until one of the delegates received word that the battle had reached his home. His estates had been destroyed, his wife and eight of his children had been moved to safety, but his four older boys had joined the Continental Army, and were preparing for battle. All of a sudden, things were very personal, and that delegate no longer cared about the lack of direction from his state - he decided to choose a side, to take a stand, and he signed that Declaration - because if his sons were out there on the firing lines, he wanted to make sure they knew what they were fighting for.

No matter where we are in this battle, on the front lines, out in the field, or back at headquarters - our commitment, our passion, our fire for the Lord should be the same - total, all-consuming, and shining strong, undimmed until the end; we should be determined to fight the good fight - until the job is done. Even when it seems the odds are against us - even when all seems hopeless, we must not give up. And let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we shall reap if we do not grow weary. (Galatians 6:9)

John Adams was totally committed to the cause of American independence. How did he remain so committed? How did he keep going despite the discouragement, the frustrations, the delays, the seemingly overwhelming odds? He had a vision of freedom. He could see the promise of a free and independent country - even though nothing like it had ever existed on the earth before. He could see the fireworks, the parades, the celebrations that would take place in years to come - because of what they were doing right there and then.

How can we stay committed to the cause of Christ despite discouragement, frustration, delay, and seemingly overwhelming odds? Keep the vision of freedom always in front of our eyes - freedom from sin, and freedom from death, and eternal life in the kingdom of God. Try to imagine that glorious place, a new heaven and a new earth, even though it is beyond our imagination. Still, keep a vision of the unimaginable in mind - because regardless of whether or not we can picture it - it is real, and one day, we will see it all - our faith will be sight.

The 56 signers of the Declaration of Independence, along with so many others, did indeed pledge their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor to the cause of freedom:

O beautiful for heroes proved
In liberating strife,
Who more than self their country loved,
And mercy more than life!

Freedom is not free.

Our American freedom was certainly not free. Many brave men gave their fortunes, and their lives - to purchase freedom for us. I am so thankful for their commitment and vision and bravery - and their sacrifice, for me.

Our spiritual freedom is not free, it comes at a cost. Jesus paid that price on the cross - He purchased our freedom for us. I am so thankful for His commitment and vision and bravery - and His sacrifice, for me.

And He has given us His marching orders - Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age." (Matthew 28:19-20) He calls us to complete commitment, and He gives us a vision to keep in front of us, to help us to stay committed until the end - In My Father's house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you to Myself , that where I am, there you may be also." (John 14:2-3)

I have to ask myself - am I totally committed to Him? Am I storming the gates of Hell - as He called me to do? Am I bound and determined to stay faithful, and finish all the work that He has given me? Jesus didn't give up, He made sure He finished the work that God had given Him to do. He didn't quit, He didn't wait to see what others did, He walked in obedience to His Father. I must examine myself, and ask..."Am I a Soldier of the Cross"?

Am I a soldier of the cross, A foll'wer of the Lamb?
And shall I fear to own His cause, Or blush to speak His name?

Must I be carried to the skies On flow'ry beds of ease,
While others fought to win the prize, And sailed thro' bloody seas?

Are there no foes for me to face? Must I not stem the flood?
Is this vile world a friend to grace, To help me on to God?

Sure I must fight if I would reign; Increase my courage, Lord!
I'll bear the toil, endure the pain, Supported by Thy Word.

Freedom isn't free.

We have been bought with a price.

May our lives glorify Him.

"Savior Siblings" and the "Leftovers"

It's been a long time since I posted anything - there's lots to say, I just get overwhelmed when I get behind, and don't know where to begin to catch up. So, I'm just going to start with something that came to mind this morning. My daughter asked if she could go see the new movie, "My Sister's Keeper". I looked it up to see what it was about, and was reminded of something I had written a year ago. I'd like to just post that this morning, and then go from there.

“Savior Siblings” – Now legal in the United Kingdom, it is also being practiced in the United States. Like other medical advances, advances that are coming fast and furious, it is being done without full scrutiny - unrestrained, and unregulated. As in embryonic stem cell research, the focus is almost entirely on the intended result, the “ends” so to speak. But what about the “means”? Does the end really justify the means? Does anything go when you’re trying to save a life? This article gives a real-life look at the issue of “savior siblings” - and it’s a very difficult situation. But they left an important part out – a part that many want to ignore – the “leftovers”.

“Giving Birth to Save a Life”
http://www.venturacountystar.com/news/2008/jun/01/giving-birth-to-save-a-life/

This family in California has a two-year-old child (Hailey) with leukemia. Evidently, it’s a pretty aggressive form of leukemia, and although she’s had a stem cell transplant, she is not out of the woods. The doctors give her a 25% chance of living past the age of five. The article includes pictures of her, and she is adorable. It’s heartbreaking. In the very first sentence, her parents state that they want to do all that they can to save her life. I understand that. Most of us as parents would lay down our own lives for our children. But that phrase – “do all that they can to save her life” is the crux of the matter. In fact, it’s the crux of the entire embryonic stem cell debate.

Her parents have decided to have a “savior sibling”. They will have another child, who through genetic testing, will be as close of a match to their sick child as possible. Then, if Hailey has a relapse, they could use stem cells from the “savior sibling” – either from saved umbilical cord blood, or a bone marrow transplant, to save Hailey’s life. In the article, much is said about the ethics of bringing a child into the world specifically for the purpose of “using” that child to save another. That’s an issue to be addressed, certainly, but there’s another issue that is much more problematic – and not a word was said about it.

The problem is in the process. IVF (in-vitro fertilization) will be used to create multiple embryos (which are human beings in the early stages of development). The article does not state how many, only uses the plural form of the word, which means, of course, more than one. The embryos will be genetically tested to find the one (or two) that is the closest match to Hailey, and then implanted into a surrogate mother (Hailey’s mom is unable to carry a child to term). But here’s the thing - what about the embryos that are not implanted? They become the “leftovers”, the “unwanted”, the “extras”. And the outlook is not good for the “leftovers”.

There are thousands of “leftovers” in fertility clinics around the world. IVF has been very successful in helping many couples to have babies who could not do so otherwise. But the problem is in the process. They create more embryos than they implant, and those that are not implanted are frozen indefinitely. A very small percentage of these “leftovers” are adopted by other couples, who carry, give birth to, and raise the child as their own. (The reason why that percentage is so small – that’s a discussion for another time.) But, until recently, most leftover embryos have been headed for disposal – thrown out with the trash. With the onset of embryonic stem cell research, however, there’s another possibility for the “leftovers” – they’re a ready supply of the needed embryonic stem cells. And when the objection is made that harvesting the stem cells destroys the embryos, proponents of the research will say, the embryos were going to be thrown out anyway – at least now, they’re being put to good use, and may help save many other lives. So, we’ve moved from “the ends justify the means”, to choosing “the lesser of two evils”. It’s still wrong.

Whether IVF is being used for fertility treatments or for savior siblings - what is the difference between the embryos that are chosen to be implanted, and those that are not? Only that – it’s a choice. Can a choice change what they inherently are? No. They’re all human beings. We can’t change what they are simply based on whether or not we want them. I can’t even tell if I’m talking about embryonic stem cell research, savior siblings, or abortion at the moment. It all applies – because it’s all the same problem. Whether it’s an unwanted pregnancy, or a leftover embryo – by labeling these lives something other than life, by trying to take away their humanity (simply by saying it over and over) – it is so much easier to dispose of them as conveniently as possible and not feel guilty about it. And if they can be used for our own benefit first, so much the better. It’s selfishness, it’s self-delusion, it’s deception, it’s sin.

As much as I want to keep up with these issues, and keep learning, it is sometimes difficult to be so immersed in the world’s perspective. It can be infuriating, aggravating, and downright depressing. As a way to cope with some of the stupid and heartbreaking things that people say, I started my “Quotes that Annoy Me” file. When I come across something that really bugs me, it’s very therapeutic to just toss it into the “annoying” file. You can be sure, the following quotes are in there:

“For one who concludes that we are not obliged to refrain from using embryos that will never enter a womb, embryonic stem cell research is a case of fostering a worthy end by using only nonpersons as means.” (emphasis added)

Louis Guenin, “The Ethics of Human Embryonic Stem Cell Research”, International Society for Stem Cell Research

“They (these embryos) belong to men and women who created them in hopes of having a baby, and who often must decide what do with them when they conclude their infertility treatment…What we heard were people struggling to make sense of their procreative responsibilities to an entity whose promise they understood and respected but that they did not believe yet had an absolute claim to life.” (emphasis added)

Ruth R. Faden and Anne Drapkin Lyerly, “The Donors Have Spoken”, Johns Hopkins Berman Institute of Bioethics

“The rabbis unanimously approved the procedure after saying that embryos only a few days old and swimming in a Petri dish are not considered human life but only cells, and that producing disease-free babies with a healthy future was not only permitted but preferred in her situation.” (emphasis added)

Judy Siegel-Itzkovich, “Hadassah beaks chain of BRCA mutation”, Jerusalem Post

See what I mean? And, by the way, I looked up the definition of “nonperson”. I really wasn’t expecting to find one – I thought it wasn’t a real word. I was wrong –

"Nonperson" – a person whose existence is systematically ignored or concealed, especially one whose removal from the attention and memory of the public is sought for reasons of ideological or political deviation. (American Heritage Dictionary)

I couldn’t agree more.

There is something wrong with the IVF process. Whether you’re trying to have a baby just because you want one and you’re physically unable to have one naturally, or in order to save another child who is desperately ill – whatever the reason for IVF, “leftovers” should not be allowed. If an embryo is created outside the womb, it should be implanted inside a womb – as soon as possible. All of the embryos – don’t create more than you can implant. We have got to stop messing with these embryos as if they’re a microscope slide in biology class. They are human beings – they are life. We are playing God when we make the decisions about who lives and who does not. We’re playing God – and we don’t fit the job description.

Hailey’s mom is described in the article as a “40-year-old church-going homemaker” (add a few years to that – and that description fits me, too). And the very last statement of the article is hers. She says, speaking in reference to a savior sibling for Hailey, “I just think it’s God’s plan.” My heart aches for her, but I think she’s wrong. I think sometimes we want something so badly, and it seems like such a good thing that surely, God would want it for us – that we put His stamp of approval on it for Him, without taking the time to see from the truth of His word what He really thinks of it. That’s what I’ve been trying to do – find out what God says about life, and “leftovers” – and rely on the truth of His word, and not rely on my feelings, no matter how heartfelt they might be.

I’ve learned a lot, but this is long enough - so for now, I’ll just end with this:

For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
But the Lord will take me up. (Psalm 27:10)

Open your mouth for the mute, For the rights of all the unfortunate. Open your mouth, judge righteously, And defend the rights of the afflicted and needy. (Proverbs 31:8-9)

If God has every star in the sky named, if He has the hairs on our heads numbered – I’m sure that He knows every single life that has been prematurely ended by abortion, embryonic stem cell research, and by the process of creating “savior siblings”. We may want to forget the “leftovers”, or at least devalue them – but God knows them, God knows each one of them by name. And God is not mocked – we will reap what we sow.

God, have mercy on America.

Memorial Day...Everyday

The flags are flying this weekend, you see them everywhere - and the flags, the monuments, the veteran's cemeteries, the parades, the ceremonies, the day itself - are all memorials: things designed to preserve the memory of those who gave their lives for our freedom. In his Gettysburg Address, speaking of the men who had fought on that battlefield, Abraham Lincoln said that the world "...can never forget what they did here." We must remember the sacrifice of those who bought with their lives the great gift of freedom that we now enjoy.

"Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13

But there is an even greater sacrifice than that...

"But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8)

...and it calls for a greater memorial - not made of stone or marble, and not confined to a certain place, a certain event, or a certain time.

But let me back up a little bit. As Memorial Day approached this year, I was not thinking about the traditional meaning of the holiday, or any variation thereof. I was just struggling, and had been for several weeks - a bit overwhelmed by...everything. Parkinson's Disease (PD) is certainly taking its toll: the symptoms of the disease and the side effects of the medicines are getting more difficult, and the depression that has "come along for the ride" has taken a turn for the worse. Because of that, the DBS (Deep Brain Stimulation) surgery that I had finally made the decision to go for, hoping for a significant improvement, cannot take place - not until the depression is under control.

So, Sunday morning, as I reached for my Bible, my heart was heavy, and I felt quite lost. I was not "inspired" to read anything in particular - all I could do was revert to my "default" and do my daily reading: whatever Psalm was next, and pick up where I left off on my read-through-the-Bible schedule. I said a quick prayer, asking God to please speak to me through His word, and ease the ache in my heart - but, honestly, I didn't hold out much hope of that happening.

I read Psalm 114 - pretty short, and, at that time anyway, no help at all. When I saw that I had left off the Bible reading in Hosea (chapters 1-7), well, I didn't see how anything in that obscure little book, that I knew hardly anything about, would do any good. But I kept praying, and reading. When I got to chapter 6, the first three verses were the beginning of the answers to my prayers:

"Come, let us return to the Lord.
For He has torn us, but He will heal us;
He has wounded us, but He will bandage us.
He will revive us after two days;
He will raise us up on the third day
That we may live before Him.
So let us know, let us press on to know the Lord.
His going forth is as certain as the dawn;
And He will come to us like the rain,
Like the spring rain watering the earth."

That was exactly what my thirsty heart needed to hear. As I let those beautiful words soak in, they reminded me of Michael W. Smith's song "Healing Rain", so I looked up the lyrics to that song, and this line became my prayer -"Come soak this dry heart with healing rain."

Then, I remembered something similar in Isaiah - found it in chapter 55:6-13:

Seek the Lord while He may be found;
Call upon Him while He is near.
Let the wicked forsake his way,
And the unrighteous man his thoughts;
And let him return to the Lord,
And He will have compassion on him;
And to our God,
For He will abundantly pardon.
"For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Neither are your ways My ways," declares the Lord.
"For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are my ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts than your thoughts.
For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven,
And do not return there without watering the earth,
And making it bear and sprout,
And furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater;
So shall My word be which goes forth from My mouth;
It shall not return to Me empty,
Without accomplishing what I desire,
And without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.
For you will go out with joy,
And be led forth with peace;
The mountains and the hills will break forth into shouts of joy before you,
And all the trees of the field will clap their hands.
Instead of the thorn bush the cypress will come up;
And instead of the nettle the myrtle will come up;
And it (the transformation of the desert) will be a memorial to the Lord,
For an everlasting sign which will not be cut off."

That reminded me of something in Psalm 84, verses 5-7:

How blessed is the man whose strength is in Thee;
In whose heart are the highways to Zion!
Passing through the valley of Baca, they make it a spring,
The early rain also covers it with blessings.
They go from strength to strength,
Every one of them appears before God in Zion.

And also this:

Now on the last day, the great day of the feast, Jesus stood and cried out, saying, "If any man is thirsty, let him come to Me and drink. He who believes in Me, as the Scripture said, 'From his innermost being shall flow rivers of living water.'" (John 7:37-38)

From all of these wonderful passages, I understood this -

• Yes, God wounds and breaks, but He also heals. It is all under His control, He is sovereign, and we can trust Him, even when we don't understand - because His ways and His thoughts are so much higher than our own.
• We need to seek Him, to press on to know Him more.
• He is faithful, His presence is as sure as the dawn, He will always be with us, and He will send the healing rain of His word - to refresh and renew and rejuvenate our dry and weary hearts.
• And His word is sure - it will produce a harvest, it will transform the desert of our hearts into something green and verdant and fruitful.
• When we come to Him, rivers of living water will flow through us and from us, and will transform the dry land around us to springs of water.
• And when all of this happens, we become a memorial to the Lord.
• And all of this can happen...all because of Calvary.

The sacrifice of God the Son on the cross of Calvary, the sacrifice that paid the price for the sins of all of mankind, the sacrifice that bought our freedom - freedom from the penalty of sin, freedom from the power of sin, and one day freedom from the presence of sin - must never be forgotten.

And there are many "memorials" to what He has done - crosses displayed in sanctuaries, in prayer gardens, and hanging around our necks; churches from the simplest building to the grandest cathedral with their steeples reaching for the sky; and the celebration of the Lord's Supper itself - they are all memorials, designed to preserve the memory of Jesus, and His sacrifice that paid for our eternal life.

But they fall short, they are not enough - because the greatest memorial of the amazing grace of God as seen on the cross - is a life transformed. The transforming power of the cross can turn my heart from a dry, barren desert into fertile, fruitful, well-watered soil. And the abundant life that results is a memorial to the Lord, not just once a year, not just once a month, not just once a week - no, may He soak my heart with healing rain so that everyday of my life...is Memorial Day.

"For the joy set before us..."

Hebrews 12:1-2 says, "Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance, and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

I wonder what exactly "the joy set before Him" was. Although I don't completely understand that, I have come to see that since we are to run the race according to Jesus' example, we also should endure whatever cross we are given to bear - for the joy set before us. There is quite a description of what Jesus has in store for those who overcome, for those who endure to the end, for those that finish the race - within His letters to the churches in the second and third chapters of Revelation.

Revelation can be a hard book to understand. I remember first studying it as a teenager in our church youth group. But I had not built much on that foundation over the years, until our Pastor began preaching through the book of Revelation, verse by verse, in the past year. There's still a lot that goes over my head, but there's a lot that's sinking in, and it is a blessing, just as God promised in verse 1:3 - "Blessed is he who reads and those who hear the words of the prophecy and heed the things which are written in it; for the time is near."

In each letter, Jesus tells His churches, and He is also telling His Church, that He knows - He knows them, He knows what they are doing, He knows what their circumstances are; He tells them what they're doing right, and what they're doing wrong; He warns, but He also sets before them the "prize" - what they will receive if they endure, if they stay faithful, if they overcome.

When you put all of those promises together, well, it's just pretty awesome...

To the angel of the church in Ephesus:

"To him who overcomes, I will grant to eat of the tree of life, which is in the Paradise of God." (2:7)

To the angel of the church in Smyrna:

"Be faithful unto death, and I will give you the crown of life." (2:10)

"He who overcomes shall not be hurt by the second death." (2:11)

To the angel of the church in Pergamum:

"To him who overcomes, to him I will give some of the hidden manna, and I will give him a white stone, and a new name written on the stone which no one knows but he who receives it." (2:17)

To the angel of the church in Thyatira:

"And he who overcomes, and he who keeps My deeds until the end, to him I will give authority over the nations; and he shall rule them with a rod of iron, as the vessels of the potter are broken to pieces, as I also have received authority from My Father;" (2:26-27)

"and I will give him the morning star." (2:28)

To the angel of the church in Sardis:

"He who overcomes shall thus be clothed in white garments, and I will not erase his name from the book of life, and I will confess his name before My Father and before His angels." (3:5)

To the angel of the church in Philadelphia:

"He who overcomes, I will make him a pillar in the temple of My God, and he will not go out from it anymore; and I will write upon him the name of My God, and the name of the city of My God, the new Jerusalem, which comes down out of heaven from My God, and My new name." (3:12)

To the angel of the church in Laodicea:

"He who overcomes, I will grant to him to sit down with Me on My throne, as I also overcame and sat down with My Father on His throne." (3:21)

And then, there is this...

And I saw a new heaven and a new earth; for the first heaven and the first earth passed away, and there is no longer any sea. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, made ready as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne, saying "Behold, the tabernacle of God is among men, and He shall dwell among them, and they shall be His people, and God Himself shall be among them, and He shall wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there shall no longer be any death; there shall no longer by any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away." And He who sits on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new." And He said, "Write, for these words are faithful and true." And He said to me, "It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. I will give to the one who thirsts from the spring of the water of life without cost. He who overcomes shall inherit these things, and I will be his God and he will be My son." (Revelation 21:1-7)

Oh, how He loves you and me!

Be encouraged, stay faithful, run the race with endurance - for the joy He sets before us.

Amen.


"Things which eye has not seen and ear has not heard, and which have not entered the heart of man, all that God has prepared for those who love Him." (1 Corinthians 2:9)

When my heart is overwhelmed...

Depression

I hate it. The very worst days of this Parkinson's Disease (PD) "journey" so far have not been because of any of the physical symptoms, pain, or discomfort. The very worst days have been caused by depression. Depression is horrible, and so many, many people suffer from it. It is often a part of the PD "package". And like PD itself, there are more questions than answers when trying to sort out what is causing it and what to do about it.

Why do so many people with PD also suffer from depression? It is not known whether it's a part of the chemical imbalance in the brain that is causing PD, or if it's just a result of having to deal with the disease itself. Maybe it's a combination of the two. Also, the more I learn about the medications prescribed to help ease the symptoms of PD, the more I see that the medications themselves can cause depression, or sometimes it's the withdrawal from those same meds that is the culprit. Maybe it's none of the above - maybe it's just life, itself. Or, maybe it's a combination of them all. Who knows?

So, what do you do? Do you try to figure out which drug may be causing the depression and try to get off of it? But what if withdrawal from that drug also causes depression? Do you add an anti-depressant to your ever-growing daily regimen of pills? Or do you tell your doctor you're tired of struggling with the meds, and sign up for brain surgery? Brain surgery, which by the way, can cause...depression. It's enough to make your head swim.

Although I am not sure right now what I need to do, I am determined to figure it out soon, with my doctor's help. Whether I need to stop taking a particular medication, or start taking a new one, or just move forward with the surgery - I will do whatever it takes to get as free as possible from the depression. But as I seek out the best medicine has to offer...my hope remains in the Lord.

Recently, when it was pretty bad, I did the only thing that I could do - I reached for my Bible. It's a good thing it happened to be sitting right next to me, otherwise I would not have had the energy, strength, or willpower to get up and get it. (Like I said, depression is horrible.) Although it's not easy to share all of this, if I'm going to share the journey, I'm going to share the whole thing - what's the point of "whitewashing" it, or leaving out the tough parts, and making it look "pretty". That wouldn't do any good at all.

So, whether you have PD or not, if you suffer from depression, or know someone that does - maybe this will help. It's not a magic pill - it didn't instantly make me feel better. But it helped me get through it - until I did.


What do you do when it's all just too much?
What do you do when the sadness won't lift?
What do you do when you agree with the enemy of your soul's accusations?
What do you do when you know it's not really that bad, but it feels like it is?

You reach for a lifeline - God's Word.

Hear my cry, O God;
Give heed to my prayer.
From the end of the earth I call to Thee, when my heart is overwhelmed;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
(Psalm 61:1-2)

Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why have you become disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him
For the help of His presence.
O my God, my soul is in despair within me;
Therefore I remember Thee from the land of the Jordan,
And the peaks of Hermon, from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep at the sound of Thy waterfalls;
All Thy breakers and Thy waves have rolled over me.
The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime;
And His song will be with me in the night,
A prayer to the God of my life."
(Psalm 42:5-8)

O send out Thy light and Thy truth, let them lead me;
Let them bring me to Thy holy hill,
And to Thy dwelling places.
Then I will go to the altar of God,
To God my exceeding joy;
And upon the lyre I shall praise Thee, O God, my God."
Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why are you disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him,
The help of my countenance, and my God."
(Psalm 43:3-5)

My soul waits in silence for God only;
From Him is my salvation.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
My stronghold; I shall not be greatly shaken.
(Psalm 62:1-2)

When I remember Thee on my bed,
I meditate on Thee in the night watches,
For Thou hast been my help,
And in the shadow of Thy wings I sing for joy.
My soul clings to Thee;
Thy right hand upholds me.
(Psalm 63:6-8)

"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name; you are Mine!
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they will not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched,
Nor will the flame burn you.
For I am the Lord your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior."
(Isaiah 43:1-3)

I do not fully understand why we have to go through things like this. But I do know that God will use it to "refine" us; He will use it for our good and His glory. He will use us to comfort and encourage others who share a similar struggle. And then there is this...

When the depression does lift, to say that things look brighter just doesn't do it justice. It's like a whole new world. It's like going from black and white - to color. It's like Dorothy falling asleep in Kansas, and waking up - in Oz. Come to think of it, maybe it's just a taste of what it'll be like when we leave this old world behind, and take our first steps - in glory.

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I shall know fully just as I also have been fully known. (1 Corinthians 13:12)

"Whatever It takes..." (Part Two)

One night, pretty soon after the official diagnosis, I was watching "Saving Milly", a television movie based on the life of a woman who had Parkinson's Disease (PD). Needless to say, it was difficult to watch the deterioration of a life over the course of several years all boiled down into two hours - knowing that that was my disease now, too. But at one point in the movie, Milly cried out in total frustration, "Why?! Why is God punishing me? What did I do that was so bad?" Almost immediately, something welled up from within my heart that made me want to reach through that television screen and take her face in my hands, and say to her, "No, Milly, no - God is not punishing you! God loves you! And He wants to help you!"

And then I realized - the reason that I felt that response in my heart, and felt it so strongly - was because that was what God was trying to tell me.

From that point on, I began looking in the right place for answers - His Word. God began to show me promise after promise after promise that were mine to claim, in spite of PD. And as my eyes started to lift to the One who was truly able to help me - oh, I began to grow in Him! The first promise was this one from the book of Isaiah, and it will always be a very special verse to me...

"Do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you, surely I will help you;
Surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
(Isaiah 41:10)

"Anxiously looking about me" pretty much sums up what I had been doing. But now, God, through His Word, was starting to give me His perspective - and it was very different from my own. The lessons continued...

The reality of having PD, with all of its symptoms, its difficulties, its prognosis - does not change the truth of God's Word -

"For I know the plans that I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)

This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Thy faithfulness,"The Lord is my portion," says my soul,"therefore I have hope in HIm."(Lamentations 3:21-24)

Although I am so thankful for knowledgable doctors, skilled surgeons, incredibly effective medications, and all the knowledge and skill and determination of researchers and scientists - my hope is not in man, medicine, procedures, research, or even a cure. And although I know that God, the Creator, the One who formed me, is able to heal me - my hope is not in His healing.

My hope - is in Him.

This is my own personal version of Psalm 20:7 -

"Some trust in doctors and medicine, and some in research and a cure; But I will trust in the name of the Lord, my God."

The lessons continued, and they still continue today. But after the diagnosis, my initial reaction, and a few months of "lessons learned" - there was a very special lesson, an "aha!" moment, a "moment of clarity" that I will never forget. During a Sunday morning sermon on Psalm 23, specifically the last part of verse 4 ("Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me."), our Pastor was explaining how a shepherd would use his rod to wound a wayward, stubborn sheep - one that kept wandering off. Then, he would carry that wounded sheep around on his shoulders (because the sheep could not walk on its own), everywhere they went, and care for that sheep's every need - until the sheep was healed of its wounds. And when the shepherd finally set that sheep back on its own feet, that once wayward, stubborn sheep - who used to continually wander off - stayed at his shepherd's side from that point on, even though it had the use of its legs again, and could go anywhere it wanted. It had grown to love the shepherd, and the sound of his voice, so much, that it never left his side again.

I listened to that sermon, and the tears started pouring down my face as I realized - that's me. That's what Jesus has done to me - and He is carrying me on His shoulders, and I am learning to love Him, and the sound of His voice, like I never have before. And I never, ever, want to leave His side again.

And then I remembered that prayer, spoken what seemed like so long ago..."Whatever it takes, Lord...whatever it takes..."

I meant it then, and I still do now.

I am safe in His hands.

"My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me; and I give eternal life to them, and they shall never perish, and no one shall snatch them out of My hand." (John 10:27-28)

"Whatever it takes..." (Part One)

Those three words changed my life.

My heart was thirsty. I had been a Christian since childhood, but there was a deep longing for something more. Something was missing. And although I did not know exactly what it was that I needed, I knew exactly what I needed to do. I prayed. I surrendered. I put my life in His hands, and said, "Father, whatever it takes...whatever it takes to make me completely Yours...I want You to do it."

The shaking began very mildly, very intermittantly, and only at certain times. For instance, when I was playing the piano, and my right foot would be on the damper pedal, all of a sudden my right leg would start to shake. It only happened every once in awhile. I attributed it to a pinched nerve, or some such nuisance, and pretty much ignored it. Then, several months later, my right arm began to shake. Again, it was only every once in a while, and not very bothersome - but still, it didn't go away, and over time, it seemed to be getting worse. I couldn't ignore it anymore.

Many months later, after quite a few doctor's appointments, an MRI and a few other tests, and many "observation" walks up and down the hallway of the neurologist's office - the diagnosis was finally made, and confirmed. Parkinson's Disease (PD). By that time, Kenny and I weren't really surprised. From the very first appointment when the neurologist mentioned it as a possibility, we had been learning about it and researching it. And as my symptoms began to slowly "unfold", we were sure that was what I had, and were impatient for the doctors to make the official diagnosis.

By this time, we had already learned that although the average age that most folks are diagnosed with PD is 60, a small percentage (5-10%) have what is called "young onset PD" - and I now belonged to that group. I was about 41 at the time. Although PD manifests itself with "motor" symptoms - tremor, stiffness, slowness, difficulties with walking and moving, etc... - it is primarily a brain problem. Neurons that manufacture a chemical called dopamine for some reason pretty much start to die off, or at least stop working. It is the lack of dopamine that causes the symptoms of PD. Once the symptoms of PD begin to show, you have already lost 80% of those neurons. There are a slew of medicines to help ease the symptoms - and they are very powerful. It is a delicate and sometimes frustrating process to find the right combination of meds that does the most good, with the least side effects. There is also a surgical procedure called Deep Brain Stimulation (DBS) that can greatly help ease the symptoms of PD. (At the present time, I am in the midst of the former, and seriously considering the latter.) The bottom line, however, is that there is no cure for PD, and it is a progressive, degenerative disease. It will continue to get worse.

As all of that began to sink in, I began to soak up as much info on PD, and those who had it, as I possibly could. And as important as it is to be well-informed, there's such a thing as "too much" - and I certainly reached that level. There are so many possible symptoms and problems one could have with PD, but no one person will have them all. I didn't need to dwell on everything that could happen. And within the community of those who had the disease, I found a lot of anger, and fear, and misplaced hope, and not much faith. Maybe I just wasn't looking in the right place - I don't know. All I know is that I finally had to put the books down. I knew I was looking for answers in the wrong places. I don't remember if I started praying more earnestly then, or not. It's a moot point anyway - because regardless of whether or not I voiced the request - God gave me the answers I was looking for...