"Conflicts without, fears within"

Well, it's past 2:30 am, and I think I'm finally tired enough to go lay down, and try to sleep.  I'll sleep eventually, but for how long, how well or fitfully, how vivid and/or disturbing the dreams, and how much pain and/or discomfort I wake up in - I don't know.  In spite of that, I look forward to getting through the night, and starting a new day.  I love the mornings.  I love them even more now, because it means the night is over! :)  But I truly love the mornings.  I love the sound of the birds singing right before dawn, I love the first light of day as it chases the darkness away, I love the feel of the sun on my face when I go outside to take the dogs out, I love breathing in the fresh air, I love the promise of a new day, with every minute of it stretching out in front of me.  And I say, thank You, Father!

I'm actually feeling better during the days - new medicine (not a substitute, but an addition) - it's a patch that lasts for 24 hours, and it's extended release.  So there are several benefits - it's only once a day versus five times a day for the sinemet that I take; it's extended release, so it helps smooth out the ups and downs of pills that vary in their effectiveness; and it's a nifty patch, not another pill to swallow!  I was ready to get things rolling towards DBS surgery for the other side of my brain, but my doctor suggested trying this patch out first.  It really is helping - I actually have had several good days in a row and I feel so good about what I've been able to accomplish.  I have caught up with dishes, with laundry, with grocery shopping; I have cleaned off the kitchen and dining room tables; we've actually had dinner at the table two nights in a row...I don't know how long it'll stay this way, but right now, I'm delighted!  I can't wait to wake up tomorrow morning and get started on a new day, without being so terribly behind to begin with!

The surgery will still come - as my doctor puts it, unless I get run over by a truck, I'm going to need this surgery.  (He's very forthright, and often a little sarcastic, and we - Kenny and I - love it! We have a great time at my appointments!)  PD is progressive - and it is progressing.  While my right side has the benefit of DBS, my left side, which has acquired PD symptoms in the 4-5 years since the first surgery, does not.  My left side drives the medication, as my doc put it, and my right side gets more medication than it needs, which causes more problems.  I've been pretty miserable for awhile now.  I was truly ready to go for it (surgery).

But I'm pleasantly surprised at how much the patch is helping, and we'll put off the surgery for just a little bit longer.  I have learned, though, or been reminded, of how slowly and insiduously this disease progresses.  I didn't realize how bad I was feeling, how much I was struggling - until I felt better.  Funny, huh.  And, I didn't realize how much, how disparate (I think that's the word I want - going to have to look it up before posting this) the symptoms are, that are better when the meds are working.  In other words, I still don't realize how much is affected by PD.

There's a phrase that Paul uses in 2 Corinthians 7:5 that has caught my attention - "conflicts without, fears within".  The entire verse says, "For even when we came into Macedonia our flesh had no rest, but we were afflicted on every side: conflicts without, fears within."  He's speaking of one of his missionary journeys, and the persecution that he endured.  My situation is nothing like what Paul endured, and he suffered for Jesus' sake - something he regarded as a blessing and honor!  But I still can relate to it in a way - rest is very difficult to come by, and sometimes I feel like PD does afflict you "on every side" because it messes with so much.  There are certainly "conflicts without" that include physical, emotional, and cognitive difficulties.  And there are fears within that try - every day - to take hold. 

At my last appointment, a few things kind of hit me hard - when the doctor was showing me the literature for the new patch, he skipped right over the "early-stage PD" section, and went straight to "advanced-stage PD", where you start and end at a higher dose of the medicine. I've had PD for nine years - that shouldn't surprise me, but it bothered me.  He also said that we're getting to the point where we've kind of exhausted the possibilities of meds - there's still surgery of course, and/or botox shots for dystonia.  Yes, "botox". I'll explain that later. Yuck.  But when I think about how I feel without meds (I don't really know how I feel completely w/o meds - don't want to), and that while this disease progresses, the meds might not be able to keep up, and that there's no guarantee that the second surgery will be as successful as the first one was...well, the fears sure can start to overwhelm.

There's also the anxiety that hits if and when I start to go "off" - meaning my meds are tapering off, and I need another dose - usually happens at least once a day.  (It happened a lot more before the patch.)  I have absolutely no control over it - I'm just hit with this awful feeling that, thankfully, I can recognize as anxiety brought on by a dip in my meds - and I take it straight to the Lord.  I ask Him to help me through it, guide me through it - and He does.  And when the real fears start to sneak into my head, I remember to take them captive in obedience to Jesus, who said not to worry about anything.  I don't worry about tomorrow or any day after that.  This is the day the Lord has made.  This day.  I don't have to worry about anything past that.  I will rejoice, and be glad - in this day.  He'll take care of the rest.

You see, the verse after 2 Corinthians 7:5 starts with one of my favorite two words - "But God..."!  Verse 6 says, "But God, who comforts the depressed (or humble), comforted us..."  Jesus said, "Do not let your heart be troubled; believe in God, believe also in Me." (John 14:1)  That's a command - do not let your heart be troubled.  We are to replace the fear with belief in Him. 

I believe Him.


"For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for a lifetime; Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning."  (Psalm 30:5)